Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
