On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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