Soap is not a condiment
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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