To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
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He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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