I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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