I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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