If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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