That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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