I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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