We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
