I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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