You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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