Tell her she can't have a vagina
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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