This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
