i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize