do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
