he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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