When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
