The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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