How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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