i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
