Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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