Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
