hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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