so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize