everyone is single if you try hard enough
cat food counts as protein by the way
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
