if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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