just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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