and my herpes radar will keep us safe
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I would fuck him just for his dog
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
