Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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