woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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