I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
