some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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