i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
