just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
