It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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