This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
