he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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