if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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