My girlfriend figured out who you are.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
