Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
