I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
