no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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