He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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