after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
