he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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