i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
