no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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