she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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