Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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