I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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