I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
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I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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