i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
