I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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