My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
