bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
