Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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