why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
All I want is dick and wine.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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