We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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