I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
