apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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