I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
