I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
